Briana Santiago is an Associate Photographer for Christopher Maddox Photography. Check back weekly to keep up with Briana's weekly 'Project 52' posts.
So where oh where have I been for the last 2 months… I have been many places. I have been to the greatest of heights to the lowest of valleys. It’s been an interesting ride and I am here to share at least what I am able to put into words.
To put it bluntly, in March Daniel and I had a miscarriage.
We had just found out in February, right before our 5 year anniversary, that we
were expecting another little one. We had so much to celebrate. We absolutely
love being parents to our little Shayla so the thoughts of another one were
thrilling to us.
In March I had experienced some minor abnormal bleeding. So
I went in for a very early ultrasound. Everything looked very small but very normal.
I was asked to go on pelvic rest for 2 weeks until a follow up ultrasound. Two
weeks later we did go into that ultrasound hoping to see a little fluttering
heartbeat on the screen. We saw a normal sac but no little flutter. Devastation
quickly came over that room, and what should have been our first OB appointment
went to a miscarriage consultation.
We sat in the ever so tiny room that only seemed to be
getting smaller by the moment, waiting to be told about our miscarriage. We
talked about what options I had. I was offered a D&C the very next day, or
to miscarry naturally.
What then followed was two weeks of hoping for a
misdiagnoses. In fact I think one of my Facebook status’ that week had been,
‘Hope is worth holding onto until your told to let you. I’ve got a death grip
on it’.
I chose to miscarry naturally. See we were told we had a
blighted ovum. And there is a whole website for the misdiagnosed woman who go
on to have happy healthy babies. Every part of me hoped for two more weeks that
we would be one of those miracle cases. I hoped and prayed (as long as all of
our close friends and family) that WE would be that couple who has a baby pop
up unexpectedly on the next ultrasound.
Two weeks later, on Wednesday March 28th, I
miscarried naturally at home. I hadn’t done so completely on my own, and because
I was so far along, I also had to have a D&C that Friday the 30th.
How was I? An emotional train wreck. I cried for at least 3
days straight. At moments I would be fine, until I would run into a t-shirt
with ‘Big Sister’ written on it, and then I would be on the floor crying. Then
a day would go by and I’d think I was fine, and then my little girl, who was
equally as excited about the baby would come up and say, ‘Mommy I wanna hug
kiss baby belly!’. I would then loose it all over again.
We told Shayla that baby wasn’t ready yet for our family. We
told her that baby had to go back to be with Jesus and when baby was ready
again then it would come back. She seemed to understand that and eventually the
requests to kiss my belly stopped. The final closure for us was when we went to
bury what would have been our little baby in one of our favorite spots. Genesis
3:19 says ‘For you were made from dust, and to dust you will return.’ It helped
knowing that we were able to return our little baby, who was only ours for 10
weeks, to her heavenly father.
Yes, a blighted ovum means that a viable baby never did
start to develop. But as another friend put it, 'the second you see that second line on a
pregnancy test, your whole world changes'. Some people can say, ‘Well there was
never a baby to begin with.’ But that’s not what my heart told me. The rest of
your body continues like a normal pregnancy but there were either too many or
not enough chromosomes for a healthy baby.
What God had done was saved us from what could have been a
very unhealthy baby. For that I am very grateful to Him. But for 10 weeks my
heart, my husband’s heart and my family’s hearts invested in the thoughts of
another little one being added. And hearing and knowing that little one would
never join us was devastating.
But eventually the tears stopped. And you know what? Beautiful things can come from really rough places.
Close friends of ours have been trying to get pregnant for
over a year. I met my girlfriend for lunch during the time we were still
pregnant and had begun sharing the news with friends. I asked her how she was
doing and her response was, “You know, I wouldn’t change a single day of what I
have gone through. Its taken my relationship with the Lord to a place its never
been before. I wouldn’t change any of that for a moment, even if it meant me
getting my baby sooner. My relationship with the Lord is amazing.”
In the ever so brief few weeks that I had going through
this, I caught a glimpse of what she meant. My relationship with the Lord grew
and is still growing exponentially through this. I have never in my life leaned
so hard into the Lord. Leaning into His promises, His Word, His truth.
My relationship with the Lord had grown complacent. I had
moved into the routine of being mom to a 2 year old, working two jobs and
keeping house. God was there in my nighttime prayers, but I put Him on a shelf
during the day because I just had to get things done. I wasn’t including Him in
life with me.
Good ole Romans 8:28 states that, ‘We know that God causes
everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called
according to his purpose for them.’ Now even only 6 weeks past the surgery, I
can see the good in it. I can look over my shoulder, turn around and say,
‘Awww. Got it Lord. I see what you were doing there.’
The Lord is definitely doing life with me everyday now! It
only took me returning to Him on hands and knees desperate for an answer. But He
picked me up, said, ‘I’m right here, and everything is going to be ok.’ I crave
my devotional time with Him, journaling my heart out to Him. It feels good to
feel His hold on my heart again. He loves us and is faithful to us, even when
there are trials. If you draw close to Him, He will draw close to you. – James
4:8 It’s a promise!
So that’s where I have been and I’m now back! My creativity
is ignited and I’ll start posting with my weekly photos next week!
With love,
Briana
